Today is a blog post I have been holding and wanting to PUBLISH for months!!! I decided today on my 29th birthday that it was now the perfect time! This blog post is the most exciting announcement I have ever made in my life; other than accepting Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior at 13 and marrying my best friend, Brian Boyd 8 years ago. Today we are so excited to be able to announce we are 15 weeks pregnant and expecting a “little Boyd” in June 2018 (cue the tears; or sobs more or less!!) I debated sharing everything here that I am about to share, but I also thought that it was so VITAL that I do because in a world where photos of happiness and perfection seem to ring truer than ever, I want others to know that they are not alone when it comes to trying to have a baby and all the happiness and heartache that can ensue! So here it goes….
In May of this year my husband Brian and I were ready to finally try to start our family! I remember the joy, anticipation, excitement and wonder at this idea and how long it may or may not take… in June I discovered I was pregnant, much to my surprise and pure shock! I couldn’t believe it! We actually found out right at our 8 year anniversary on June 27th and we were soooo excited! We had a California trip planned for our anniversary and decided to go on the trip and come back to tell our parents… I was that girl that every place we went I wanted photos so I could tell our little baby when they were born everywhere they had already traveled with me… The trip progressed good and then a few days before we decided to head home the worst thing ever began happening… I began miscarrying at 7 1/2 weeks pregnant…
I had always wondered if it ever happened would I know it was happening and I did… It was the absolute worst and gut wrenching week of my life; going from all the way across the US back home was even harder because on the other end of that trip was a doctors visit to verify what had or had not occurred… I will never forget getting to that doctor’s office and having the ultrasound tech looking for a heartbeat or baby and seeing a completely black screen…. She didn’t even have to tell me there was no baby there, I already knew. That day began what would be long hours which turned to days, which turned to weeks and ultimately months of feelings of sadness, hurt, anger, guilt and isolation! I immediately felt a hole in my life which was made with such an impact in only a matter of seconds! During this time GOD, (first and foremost) family and a few close friends were my army of prayer warriors who helped me weather this SLOW storm!
We waited a month (which felt like a YEAR!) to try and allow my body to recuperate and then in August we were ready to try again! This month I had a NYFW trip planned and Brian had a trip so we decided to take an early pregnancy test (by maybe a few days) to see if we were pregnant… I WAS SHOCKED when there were 2 pink lines! I was sooo excited and went straight to my doctor to confirm before I left for my trip to see if traveling or flying would be an issue due to my past! She gave me the green light and off I went to New York…. This time I started to miscarry within a few days after when I would have normally started a new cycle and to say I became a shell of a person on the streets of New York City was an understatement… I thank God that I had my sister with me and she really helped me function because I had no clue where I was and to be in a place like NYC with all the people and feel completely ISOLATED and CONFUSED is a scary thing! After a long trip through security and a flight home I arrived to be told that yet again we miscarried… This time the pregnancy was termed a Chemical Pregnancy (what is this?!?) A chemical pregnancy to the best of my knowledge is when a sperm and egg meet and are fertilized, but it never implants correctly for various reasons… Also, this is when I learned that I will never take another EARLY pregnancy test because if I had never taken it I wouldn’t have know, which to me would have been easier…
Once again I was in a place of severe PAIN and ISOLATION! I wanted to tell others, but part of me was ashamed and sad… I know I had nothing to do with it, but there is a part of you along with the DEVIL who comes in and makes you think “What if?” and “Why!” I realized quickly that this would kill me if I played this game. I also realized the Devil was only trying to rob me of any and all joy that I did have in my life! During this time work was sooo DIFFICULT, but it helped keep me sane! The hardest part about having a social media driven life is that every day I had random people who I didn’t even know posting pregnancy and baby photos; I was so happy for them (truly), but sad for myself! The human inside of me was jealous and it was so easy to throw a pity party for one. I went for months and didn’t open Facebook because every time I did it was another announcement, another perfect little baby and I just couldn’t handle it.. Now, I know I am not alone in this, I know through doctors and friends that miscarriages happen OFTEN! I learned that 1 in 4 is a miscarriage and every time you try you still have a 25% chance of it… So this post is for you guys!
1 Samuel 1:27 “I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.”
Today we are so overjoyed to announce that we are officially expecting a baby BOYD in June 2018! I am actually crying as I write this because I questioned when and if I ever would be able to say those words! We have prayed, prayed and prayed for this baby and God is so good and so faithful! A baby is a gift from above and I have learned through these last 8 months that I am not responsible for creating life or taking life… This was one of the toughest realizations and truths that I came to face. My mother kept telling me over and over; this is not your fault; your children are gifts from God they are on loan to you for a short time and they are ultimately His children! Oh, how true this is; I can’t take the credit for making a baby only God can do that! Thank You God for this opportunity to be a mother!
I am so thankful to have you all and my blog, your love and support on what I do especially the last few months, even when you knew nothing of my struggles, has been incredible! I wanted to share today’s post with you guys, not for sympathy, not for texts, comments or likes, but that if you are in this place that YOU know that YOU are NOT ALONE! My blog was originally started to share about personal experiences and this is one of ours…. God has given me a platform and I knew that holding this back from you guys was ‘not fair’ in so many ways because we should all stand strong together as women!
I first and foremost want to thank our Savior in Heaven Jesus Christ who came and gave His life on this earth so I could have eternal life and have hope that no matter what I face on this earth that ultimately I will get to spend eternity with Him in Heaven and there is no greater gift! I would like to say a HUGE Thank you to my amazing husband who never once left my side through all of this and has put up with the spectrum of pregnancy emotions/hormones for 8 months now and counting; you are my ROCK here on this earth and I don’t know where I’d be without you! Thank You to all my family and siblings for helping me push through and keeping my eye on the Truth of God’s word! I also want to say a HUGE Thank You to all of those women who I do not know and will never know who publicly shared their pregnancy stories; Thank You all! You helped me so much cope and realize I was not alone! Thank you to the amazing women who did know what I went through during that time who took time to write letters, send texts and calls to me to let me know they were praying from me and I was not alone! I am so blessed to have YOU ALL in my life so Thank You for following along and giving me a platform to raise awareness to other women!!
We can not wait to share more about our pregnancy journey through the coming months, God is so good!!!
I wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope you all have the best time with friends and family and remember to take a second to remember the TRUE REASON FOR THE SEASON… Jesus Christ! I love you all! XOXO
Favorite Bible Verses:
—Isaiah 55:8–9
—Matthew 11:28
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” —James 1:17
“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” (Philippians 4:11).
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. ” —Psalm 32:8
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” —Isaiah 41:10 nkjv
Thanks for sharing your story! I too am a follower of Christ and have also experienced sadness in miscarriage between my second and third child. As you have said… only Christ knows the plans for us and our children are a gift from Him. Much blessings and joy as you await the arrival of your little one! ?
Thank you for sharing your journey both in your pregnancies but most importantly about your journey with God, growing with Him and seeking his understanding about who you are and being willing to listen patiently to God’s wisdom for you. Many blessings in the days ahead with your pregnancy.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey! I’m sure it will help SO many. As a personal infertility warrior myself, I know the pain of wanting to be a mother and having to wait on God. So very happy for you that God has said, YES! It’s your time! ?
This is one of your best blogs because we get a more true personal feel for your struggles and life and your wins as well. Congratulations on finally getting your baby Boyd!